The process of learning what is rightfully yours and what rightfully belongs to someone else is just that – a process of learning that occurs over time. Boundary-setting is first learned in families – whether those boundaries are healthy or not.

Every child is concerned with “turf.” One of the first concepts every toddler nails down is summarized by the word, “Mine!” There’s very little sharing and very little empathy in a toddler. And in some cases, toddlers spend a lot of energy on tears and tantrums, in an attempt to get what they think is theirs! If you are a parent, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

In a healthy family, each child feels attached to the other members, but also becomes increasingly independent as he matures in his thoughts, beliefs, and personal choices. A state of interdependence, but not codependency or total dependency, is developed within the family. In interdependence, each person learns how to make healthy, responsible boundaries.

There are at least seven marks of a family with healthy personal boundaries:

1. Each person’s opinion is heard. Each person feels safe to disagree with other family members without experiencing rejection, isolation, or criticism. Each person is encouraged to think, reason, and learn – and to develop personal opinions without censure.
2. Each person is encouraged to express her emotions in healthy ways that do not bring injury to other family members, without ridicule or embarrassment.
3. Each person is encouraged to discover her unique gifts and talents, and to develop them to the fullest.
4. Each person is given age-appropriate freedoms of choice – such as choices about clothing, food, hobbies, and activities.
5. Each person is respected as a member of the family and is shown courtesy.
6. Each person is encouraged to be quick to ask for forgiveness and to freely forgive. No one in a family is right all the time, and it’s never right to withhold forgiveness or fail to ask for forgiveness when wrongs are committed.
7. Each person is encouraged to pray at family gatherings – such as mealtimes – but no one is forced to pray. Respect is shown for each person’s personal relationship with God.

Giving a child these freedoms does not in any way diminish a parent’s right, privilege, and responsibility to provide guidance, direction, prayer, or influence. Neither does it limit parents in establishing family rules and guidelines.

One of the best ways to train children to make wise choices is to set before them a limited number of options. For example, a parent might allow a child to choose from two or three items at a restaurant, in a clothing store, or when choosing extracurricular activities. It helps children to develop a strong sense of their own individuality and decision-making power.

At the same time, choose to make some decisions as a family, such as where summer vacation will be, what to do for fun on Saturday afternoon, which ministry outreach the family might join together, or how household chores can be divided and assigned.

A child who grows up in a family where good boundaries aren’t set is vulnerable to both emotional injury and confusion about boundaries. Worst of all, a child can grow up without understanding who God created them to become, and the good fruit that the child is capable of producing.

The child might also experience:

• Undue pressure and responsibility in caring for other family members, such as misplaced feelings for the actions of parents (including alcoholic or emotionally ill parents)
• A damaged sense of ownership – not really knowing what belongs to him and what doesn’t
• A false perception about right and wrong – equating disagreement with sin, and confrontation or debate with guilt
• Pent-up anger
• A fear of showing emotion
• An inability to properly evaluate consequences for specific behaviors

Growing up with boundary confusion nearly always results in adulthood conditions such as extreme dependence, controlling behaviors, and narcissism (extreme self-centeredness and selfishness).

In the end, the child who doesn’t understand healthy boundaries can find himself tremendously confused when it comes to who he is and how to relate to others. Ultimately, boundary confusion is a matter of not knowing what you are responsible for emotionally, and the degree to which other people are responsible for their own lives.

The healthiest families are those in which the mother and father are interdependent in their marriage relationship – each giving the other the seven marks of respect and freedom listed above. Children learn good, healthy behavior when good, healthy behavior is modeled at home!