Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?
—Matthew 18:21

For years I went through a "confession" routine of forgiveness. Repeatedly, I said that I had forgiven the people who had violated and hurt me so deeply in my childhood. Years passed, and yet I continued to struggle. I didn't realize I was being held in a prison of hurt and bitterness and isolation and guardedness.

You have heard the proverbial saying "out of sight, out of mind." It is not necessarily so with regards to forgiving those who have hurt you badly. In my case, some of them had passed away, and yet they were still alive in my memories. I found forgiveness to not just be difficult but to be humanly impossible. I begged the Lord to remove the hurt that was eating at me like a cancer. In the midst of deep prayer, God spoke to my heart in a soft voice, "Paula, you have tried it with your own strength. Now allow Me the ability to place forgiveness in you."

The lesson was plain—forgiveness is a choice. We have the choice to hold resentment and bitterness inside forever or surrender to God and allow the Holy Spirit to place His forgiveness inside us. By recognizing our need to forgive, we take the first step. By realizing we do not have the ability to forgive in our own strength, we take the next step. By asking God to fill us with His love and make us forgive, we are cleansed of the bitter poison in our soul, and we can walk in freedom (Romans 5:5).

People hurt other people in countless ways. But the truth is that no one can make you anything in life. No one can make you bitter. No one can make you angry. No one can make you mean. To allow these to stay in your life is like Paul's description of carrying a dead rotting corpse on your back. "O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?" (Romans 7:24). So forgiveness is much more for our benefit than for the other person. We are set free by the Spirit of God.

Forgiveness, however, does not necessarily mean that I have to go back to the same position and association. This is where you need the wisdom of God. There are times that there needs to be closure in a healthy way from those who hurt you. It doesn't mean you invite the violator back into your life. But it means you are released.

Related Texts: Psalm 32:1–7; 51; 103:12; Matthew 6:14–15; Luke 23:34; John 8:11; 1 John 1:9